We took this picture about a month before the
accident. We were very much in love, and very happy. Things were so good that
day. It's strange to look at this picture now and remember how it was then,
then realize how it is now.
When Cecil wakes up every day, he is in pain.
He injured his shoulder and back along with his head, but those bones have long
since healed. He still has muscle and nerve pain every day. He also has daily
headaches.
Today he went to therapy expecting it to be a
quick hour. However, when he arrived, his therapist thought he looked strange
and was concerned. When they checked his blood pressure it registered on the
nurse's instruments as 190/110. They immediately sent him over to his
neurologist for a full examination. The doctor's instruments read 160/90 three
times consistently, so he didn't make
Cecil go to the ER.
Cecil's blood pressure is normally not high, but he has been taking a medication
that has raised it. The doctor immediately told him not to take it ever again
and prescribed a blood pressure medication to get it back under control.
The medication that he's been taking is the only thing that has made his life a little more comfortable in the last 6 months. So today he came home depressed and frustrated. I knew it would happen and had been on pins and needles all afternoon anticipating it. We had a big fight before he went to bed. Great way to help lower the blood pressure, right?
Every day I learn or figure out something new about how his BI is affecting his life. His BI is dramatizing challenges that he already had, such as ADD. He lost his ability to "filter" what he says, and is learning again how to control his tongue. Also, new information is challenging for him to process. Whether it is a name of a person he just met, or a concept he is reading about on the evening news, new information does not always stick. He gleans bits and pieces, and somehow he connects them together in a way that may or may not be correct (confabulation). Projects that would once have taken him only a few minutes, may now take an hour to complete.
When we are around people we know, Cecil always puts on his happy face. I call him "Big C," the funny, outgoing guy that everyone loves, but who I only see in public. Because he is able to portray himself to others this way, people think he's recovering miraculously and can't understand why he hasn't already gone back to work. He still spouts out techie lingo and helps people fix their computers. Why can't he go back to his company and do that?
The biggest reason he can't is because he is suffering from mental fatigue. In people who have had severe TBI, this is very common. Because he is young, his doctor thinks that over time it will improve. But he has been saying that for the last 4 months, and we have not seen much improvement in that time. He consistently is able to work 3-4 hours per day doing any kind of cognitive work. No matter how many breaks he takes, after he has worked for 3-4 hours, his brain shuts down on him. He can still do physical activities, but if he tries to focus on a problem or do any kind of mental work, he cannot complete the task. In the last month, twice he was able to work for 5 hours in one day. Both times, he slept for 2 days afterwards and did no work during those two days. Those 2 extra hours each day cost him two extra days per hour. I don't get it. But this is his reality.
Not being able to go back to work has depressed him more than anything else. He feels as if he is not providing for his family. I try to assure him that we are ok financially. His company had a disability insurance policy and we are able to live off that and my part time income. As I posted previously, we don't have debt outside of his student loans, and for now, we are not required to make payments on those. We are still able to afford the children's private school tuition, and we have some money in savings for emergencies. For the time being, I wish that he would forget about worrying for the future. Our needs are being met. When I try to explain these things to him, he fixates on the fact that he can't go back to work. I think it's his brain injury that won't let him move past this point. He has always been the kind to fixate on a problem until it is solved, and I think that he is doing that in a more dramatic way now. Just as his BI has exaggerated his ADD, I think it also has exaggerated his desire to fix problems. But now, these are problems that he is not able to fix.
My daily challenge is to realize that most of the things he says are his BI talking. When he is not listening to what I say, or arguing with everything I say, it's because he can't help it. At least that's what I think. I don't know what God is doing. I don't know why He's doing it. I trust Him, but I don't understand it. I want Cecil to learn to enjoy life again. If he is happy, maybe we can have a new "normal."
The medication that he's been taking is the only thing that has made his life a little more comfortable in the last 6 months. So today he came home depressed and frustrated. I knew it would happen and had been on pins and needles all afternoon anticipating it. We had a big fight before he went to bed. Great way to help lower the blood pressure, right?
Every day I learn or figure out something new about how his BI is affecting his life. His BI is dramatizing challenges that he already had, such as ADD. He lost his ability to "filter" what he says, and is learning again how to control his tongue. Also, new information is challenging for him to process. Whether it is a name of a person he just met, or a concept he is reading about on the evening news, new information does not always stick. He gleans bits and pieces, and somehow he connects them together in a way that may or may not be correct (confabulation). Projects that would once have taken him only a few minutes, may now take an hour to complete.
When we are around people we know, Cecil always puts on his happy face. I call him "Big C," the funny, outgoing guy that everyone loves, but who I only see in public. Because he is able to portray himself to others this way, people think he's recovering miraculously and can't understand why he hasn't already gone back to work. He still spouts out techie lingo and helps people fix their computers. Why can't he go back to his company and do that?
The biggest reason he can't is because he is suffering from mental fatigue. In people who have had severe TBI, this is very common. Because he is young, his doctor thinks that over time it will improve. But he has been saying that for the last 4 months, and we have not seen much improvement in that time. He consistently is able to work 3-4 hours per day doing any kind of cognitive work. No matter how many breaks he takes, after he has worked for 3-4 hours, his brain shuts down on him. He can still do physical activities, but if he tries to focus on a problem or do any kind of mental work, he cannot complete the task. In the last month, twice he was able to work for 5 hours in one day. Both times, he slept for 2 days afterwards and did no work during those two days. Those 2 extra hours each day cost him two extra days per hour. I don't get it. But this is his reality.
Not being able to go back to work has depressed him more than anything else. He feels as if he is not providing for his family. I try to assure him that we are ok financially. His company had a disability insurance policy and we are able to live off that and my part time income. As I posted previously, we don't have debt outside of his student loans, and for now, we are not required to make payments on those. We are still able to afford the children's private school tuition, and we have some money in savings for emergencies. For the time being, I wish that he would forget about worrying for the future. Our needs are being met. When I try to explain these things to him, he fixates on the fact that he can't go back to work. I think it's his brain injury that won't let him move past this point. He has always been the kind to fixate on a problem until it is solved, and I think that he is doing that in a more dramatic way now. Just as his BI has exaggerated his ADD, I think it also has exaggerated his desire to fix problems. But now, these are problems that he is not able to fix.
My daily challenge is to realize that most of the things he says are his BI talking. When he is not listening to what I say, or arguing with everything I say, it's because he can't help it. At least that's what I think. I don't know what God is doing. I don't know why He's doing it. I trust Him, but I don't understand it. I want Cecil to learn to enjoy life again. If he is happy, maybe we can have a new "normal."
