I don't know how to title this one, so you can come up with a good title yourself. :o)

As I mentioned yesterday, the past several weeks have been especially challenging. Actually, that is a dramatic understatement.

Whenever his doctor took him off of the medicine that elevated his blood pressure and put him on two blood pressure medicines, things started going downhill.  He went back to being extremely frustrated and angry every day. We think that one of the blood pressure medicines contributed to his emotional challenges (the doctor in the ER told us this is a side effect for some people). He stopped taking that medicine this week, but the change in him began last Tuesday.

From the day he began taking the second medication until last Tuesday morning, every day it was like walking on pins and needles with him. The boys and I tried everything we knew to keep him from getting upset, but nothing worked. No matter how much we deferred to him or tried to do things to please him, he was just plain grouchy every day. He even showed himself while his brother was here for a long weekend for Labor Day.  I was embarrassed over how he was treating me in front of others, angered at the things he was saying to me in private and becoming more and more discouraged that this was going to be my life for the rest of our lives. However, as hard as he pushed, I kept telling him that I wasn't going anywhere. I felt like he was pushing to see how much I would take before I had enough and left him.  He was really, really mean sometimes, and it was a very long few weeks. I didn't know it would only be a few weeks, though. I thought this was our new "normal."

During this time, I had some trouble with my brake lights, a tire that had a gash and needed changing, my oil needed changing, I burned myself severely on our waffle iron, Ty fell off his bunk bed and bruised his ribs (warranting a trip to the doctor for x-rays), and Cecil's friend died. We also had regular life to deal with, such as school and it's projects for the boys, my work, church commitments (which included a HUGE choir and orchestra worship event for which we had been preparing since May) and the boys began their football season. It was not a good time to be dealing with Cecil's emotional issues, but somehow, I managed. I didn't have a nervous breakdown and I didn't get depressed. I depended on the Lord for help and strength, and He sent the right people at the right time. A mechanic friend of ours repaired the brake lights (and changed the windshield wipers); Wal-Mart changed the tires and the oil; we had money in savings to pay for Ty's emergency trip, the tires and the oil change; and our Sunday School teacher helped me know what to do about all of these problems with the car. While our mechanic friend was repairing the breaks, he gave me some really good advice on who to have change the oil next time, too; someone who will be honest give good advice (not that Wal-Mart didn't, but I'd rather support the smaller businesses if I can). The Lord provided people in His church to BE the church for me and for our family.

During Labor Day weekend, however, Cecil got really upset about something and told me that I was NOT going to the funeral with him. He didn't want to have anything to do with me for several days before that (over a disagreement we had about a shelf), and I was really upset about the situation. Instead of keeping it to myself and just praying about it myself (which I mainly had done throughout these several weeks) I asked for help. I sent an email to his family and mine and also our Sunday School teacher and worship pastor. I swallowed some pride and let some of our biggest challenges be known. It was a humbling experience for me, because I do not like to admit when I can't handle something.

And their prayers were answered almost immediately.

There was an IMMEDIATE change in Cecil's behavior towards me. He woke up Wednesday and has been the same Cecil that I married for a week now. The same Cecil that I fell in love with and who treats me the way he did before the accident. There have been moments when he reverted to his brain-injured rantings, but they lasted very briefly. Yesterday, I thought he would be upset about a situation that arose with his mom, but he didn't even MENTION it. Things haven't been perfect in our lives this past week and a half, (including the fact that he had to go to the ER), but instead of being angry all the time, he get frustrated and then gets over it. He doesn't carry the anger around for days and days at a time. And he isn't as easily angered or frustrated with me or with the boys.

I KNOW that it is because of prayer. Prayer changes things.

Proverbs 21:1
"The king’s heart is in the hand of the LORD, like the rivers of water; He turns it wherever He wishes." 

Cecil is the "king" of our home, and I had been trying to make the "king" happy. It's not my job, though. It's God's job. I am thankful that God saw fit to answer the prayers of His people for our family. He didn't have to do this, but He did. He is God, almighty, high, and holy, but He cares about His children, and for that I am truly thankful.

We went to the ER this week. Yep. And his mom is finding out this way.

For Cecil's mom....He didn't want to worry you or his grandmother, so you didn't hear this from me.

The last several weeks have been very difficult. Cecil's blood pressure has still been really high and the medications he has been taking have not helped. I'd been telling him to go to his doctor for over two weeks so that they could adjust his medication, but would he listen to me? We had the medications adjusted earlier this week whenever we visited the emergency room.

On August 31st, a close friend of Cecil's from high school passed away. The memorial service was scheduled for this past Saturday, September 8th in his home town, which is a five hour drive from our home now. Cecil's plan was to drive there, alone, on Friday morning, stay with his mom Friday night, and drive home as soon as the service was over on Saturday afternoon so that he could fulfill his commitments at church on Sunday morning. He did not want me to go with him. He was adamant that I stay home and take care of the boys. He didn't think it would be a problem for him to make the drive by himself, as long as he did it when he was well-rested and had a schedule that he could follow.

His mom was not so sure, and neither was I. I wanted to go with him and let my mom keep the boys, so that if something were to go wrong, I could help out. Did he want to listen to either of us? No. Is this something new? No. We have always had differing opinions, but now, as I have shared before, his opinions are much stronger, and he is much more adamant about having his own way. Whenever it does not cause problems for his or anyone else's safety, normally, I let him do whatever he wants. I pick my battles.

This was going to be a battle, so I enlisted help. I called his brother.

Charles was happy to go with us to the memorial service. It was a friend of his, too, although not as close to him as to Cecil, but Charles wanted to take the opportunity to let his girlfriend visit his hometown with him. His idea was to leave late Friday afternoon when he got off work and for the four of us drive down together. He somehow talked Cecil into doing that.

We arrived in town at midnight, slept late into the morning, ate a late breakfast, went to the memorial, drove around town for a few hours, ate dinner with their mom, and headed back home. It was a long, tiring trip for everyone. We arrived back home at midnight. Cecil got up the next morning and somehow managed to make it to the 8:30 AM service at our church, because he had been scheduled to play the piano. He didn't want to disappoint our worship pastor, so he fulfilled all of his duties for this Sunday.  These duties included playing the piano for two morning services, accompanying the orchestra in the second service, accompanying the orchestra at 5 PM for their rehearsal, leading the praise band rehearsal at 6 PM, and playing the piano again for the evening service at 7 PM. He does not usually play for the second service, the evening service, or the orchestra, but this particular weekend, our other pianist was out, so he filled in for her. I offered to play some of the services for him, but he insisted that he could do it. He's always been able to do these things without much difficulty, but since the accident, things are different. He only has about 3-4 hours a day that he can do these kinds of mental exercises. Whenever he pushes himself past his 3-4 hour window, bad things happen.

We ended up going to the ER on Monday morning at 4 AM because he had a headache so bad that he thought he was having a stroke or an aneurysm. His headache was so bad that it woke him up, and his blood pressure was 155/110 when he checked it at home. He felt dizzy, like he had vertigo, too.

In the ER, they ran a battery of blood tests, did an EKG and a CT scan and found nothing out of the ordinary. They narrowed the headache down to stress, changed his blood pressure medication and told him to visit his primary care doctor later this week. We have an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.

He blamed it all on his mom, his brother and me for not letting him drive to the memorial service on his own schedule and for making him work outside of his limitations. I blame it on him for not letting me help him and not doing things the way I said he should have done them. There is truth to both sides of our arguments, but we aren't going to make them. It's over, and thankfully, he has not mentioned it since Monday. He was so glad to be home from the ER and so glad that he was not admitted to the hospital that he even apologized to me for not going to the doctor the previous week like I had suggested. I was so thankful that it was not a stroke or aneurysm that I didn't say, "I told you so."

We have had a lot of people praying for us this past week and a half. I know that God is in control and will use this experience to help us better understand Cecil's new limitations. I don't know how long this will last. I don't know if these are permanent limitations or if it's still part of the healing process. I don't know if he will one day be able to do these relatively normal things and live the way a relatively normal person would. I don't know if he will be or would have been able to make the drive on his own. I don't know what the future holds. The one thing I know is that God is faithful. I know that "the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD will give grace and glory; no good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly." (Psalm 84:11)

Those are the kinds of promises to which I cling whenever I don't know what is going to happen. I have a hard time not being in control all the time, and I know that God is using these challenges to teach me to trust Him more fully. I hope I am up for the challenge.

Where did everybody go?

The day of the accident, we had people lining up out the door to come see him. He had visitors in and out of his hospital room every day for the first week.

When he moved to the rehab hospital,  it was the same way for a few days, but as the stay lengthened, we found ourselves spending more and more time alone.

I started this blog because I feel alone. I know that our situation is not unique. There are many others out there who are also loving a brain injured spouse, but I don't know many.

He's not the same person that I married, yet I love him more than the day I married him. We no longer communicate the same way. He's not the confident person he used to be. He doesn't think about me in the same way, therefore he treats me differently. He isn't abusive or violent, but he is not as caring toward me as he used to be, either.  He says that he loves us, and he does things to show it in his own way, but it is not the same as before and I am having to learn to understand him. I have to constantly retrain the way I think about things and I have to stop comparing life to what it was like before.

People who mean well tell me that it could be so much worse, but for me, this is the worst thing that has ever happened, and this is my reality. I am thankful that it was not worse, but that does not mean that it is not hard. Being thankful is one thing, and living in reality is another. They are two separate things. I know that God is here and He gives me the strength to do this that He has called me to do, but sometimes I wish I had a person who knows what it's like.

"I NEVER YELL!!!!"

Our nine year old son, Ty,  is very sensitive. If anyone ever raises his voice at him, Ty immediately shuts down. Whatever he was saying or doing he stops and immediately becomes quiet and his entire demeanor changes. I never knew this until he started preschool. One day his preschool teacher said that during lunch, Ty would not answer her when she asked him a question. She kept repeating the question and he kept mumbling the answer. Then he started crying and would not tell her what was wrong. Eventually I figured out the situation. She had asked him a question, and since he was not sure of the answer, he answered quietly and she didn't hear him. She asked him to repeat it, but she was a little irritated, and he could tell. Instead of speaking up, he was afraid of making her more angry, so he kept speaking quietly.  The more she tried to get him to answer, the more harshly she spoke, and the more quietly he spoke. She thought he was being disrespectful and he was afraid of getting in trouble. It was a bad cycle. Ever since that day, I have noticed that when he thinks he is going to be in trouble for something he says, he says it very quietly. We would usually  see it happen with babysitters or with his Dad. He doesn't do it with me, but if anyone else raises his voice to Ty, this is what happens.

Since the accident, Cecil raises his voice in frustration or anger daily. Sometimes it's toward Ty, sometimes it's toward me. It's rarely toward our oldest son who does not irritate Cecil as much as Ty and I do. We aren't trying to make him angry or frustrated, but he looses patience with us easily, especially when he is not feeling well or when he is tired. And I HATE being yelled at. It's a double standard, I know, because I am a "yeller" with firecrackers in my blood, and I have had to learn to control my temper and my tongue.  I never knew this about my husband, but apparently, he has firecrackers in his blood, too, but he has never had outbursts of anger as long as I've known him. Whenever we had arguments before the accident, I would be the one yelling and he would be the one giving the silent treatment. Since the accident, we have reversed those rolls.  In the past week or so, I've started stepping in when he begins to get angry at Ty for no reason, and it's working. Cecil now realizes what he's doing and how it's affecting Ty. He is learning to control himself again, and I am proud of him for it.

I have learned what it's like to be yelled at, and since I don't like it, I think I am going to withdraw my double standard. I am going to work on controlling my temper whenever I am angry and to find a different way to express is besides yelling. If Cecil can do it, I can do it.

Crazy Love

"Do you love God or just His stuff?"

That was a question that I read in Crazy Love by Francis Chan. 

So, do you love God, or just His stuff? When you talk to God, how do you speak to Him? How do I speak to Him? Well, it depends on the day. Sometimes I address Him like a spoiled child who thinks life is all about her. Sometimes I act like this is a movie about me and I am the main character and God is an extra. 

But this is not my movie. I am only a small extra in a crowd of billions of people on the set of God's movie that He is writing about Himself. 

Think about that for a little while, and then talk to God. 

Do I speak to Him as the Holy Creator of the universe? 

I had to stop and apologize to God for thinking that life is about me. I know it's not about me, but in my heart, sometimes I think it is about me. 

Then I read Psalm 103.

Let all that I am praise the Lord: with my whole heart, I will praise His holy name. Let all that I am praise the Lord; may I never forget the good things He does for me....

Wait....it sounds like David loves God's "stuff" just like I do....."all the good things he does for me." I really do love the stuff, but do I love Him because He gives me good things, or do I love Him for who He is? Let's keep reading ,...

He forgives all my sins and heals all my diseases. He redeems me from death and crowns me with love and tender mercies. He fills my life with good things. My youth is renewed like the eagle's! 

The Lord is compasstionate and merciful, slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love. 

Wow! He does a lot for me. This is not my movie, but for such a small part in God's movie, why does He do all these things, just for me? I am so sinful. I sin against this Holy powerful God every day. This is the God who can zap me at any time. He is perfect and because of His perfection, He does not look at sin. He can't. And since I sin every day, He should probably just zap me. That's what I would do if I were God. I would zap all the bad people. And then I would zap the people who think they are good. Because compared to God, none of us are good, but we sometimes think we are. And God loves us anyway! He is "filled with unfailing love."

He will not constantly accuse us, nor remain angry forever. He does not punish us for all our sins, He does not deal harshly with us, as we deserve. For his unfailing love toward those who fear Him is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth. He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west. 

"As far as the east is from the west." That means what? He doesn't remember my sins? I think He does. He knows everything. He didn't just "forget." "He has removed our sins" means He took them off of the record. He chooses to forgive me.

The Lord is like a father to His children, tender and compassionate to those who fear Him. For He knows how weak we are; He remembers we are only dust. Our days on earth are like grass; like wildflowers, we bloom and die. The wind blows and we are gone-as though we had never been here.

We are weak. We are dust. We are like grass. The grass that gets cut every week.  What would we think if a person loved a piece of grass and knew everything about that piece of grass, and cared about how long it lived, and watered it carefully every time it needed something.

This piece of grass certainly thinks a lot of herself. I ask God why He made it rain when I thought it should be sunny. I ask him why He let the bugs crawl on me. Doesn't He know how much I hate bugs? I ask him to help me be very green today and perfect so that He will be pleased with how I look. Then I start thinking what the other pieces of grass think about me. Did a bug take a bite out of me? Why did the He let that happen? Why didn't he keep that bug off of me?

I could go on and on about this grass. That's what we do isn't it? Make it all about us? Our short lives that are only like grass, we think that it's about us. 

The Lord is like a father to His children, tender and compassionate to those who fear Him. For He knows how weak we are; He remembers we are only dust. Our days on earth are like grass; like wildflowers, we bloom and die. The wind blows and we are gone-as though we had never been here.

But the love of the Lord remains forever with those who fear Him. His salvation extends to the grandchildren of those who are faithful to His covenant.

Hold on! Back up! I thought we were just pieces of grass. David just said that the Lord "extends salvation to the grandchildren of those who are faithful to His covenant." 

That would be me. I am a grandchild of those who are faithful to His covenant. So the powerful Creator extended salvation to a grandchild who had never done anything to deserve it. He set things in motion before I was even born because my grandparents were faithful to His covenant. 

The Lord has made the heavens His throne; from there He rules over everything. 

Do you know how big the heavens are? The universe is so vast we cannot comprehend it's size, yet, they are God's throne. What a majestic throne He has. He is so huge and powerful! 

Praise the Lord, you angels, you mighty ones who carry out His plans, listening for each of His commands. Yes, praise the Lord, you armies of angels who serve Him and do His will! Praise the Lord, everything He has created, everything in all His kingdom. 

Let all that I am praise the Lord!

So this huge, powerful all-knowing, perfect Creator....do I love Him or just His stuff? How, after thinking about Him as He truly is, can I come to Him like a whiny child? Like a piece of grass asking why it has to rain today. 

I want to live a life that points to Him and gives Him praise because of who He is. Not because of all the times He watered this piece of grass or kept the bugs off of me. I want to be with the other grass that He looks at after cutting it and says, "Now that's a nice lawn of grass. I'm so glad I made that grass! That particular lawn I made [not necessarily one blade of grass, but the whole lawn] is especially green, and since I cut it, it smells nice, too!"

And He loves me as if I were His only piece of grass. That's crazy love, right there!

Psalm 103 taken from the New Living Translation.

If this blog post made you think, you should read Crazy Love. 

Seriously, go to the link and download it to your iPhone or Android phone. Did you do it yet? If you are reading this post on your phone, you should read this book on your phone.  You can order the real book with real pages and it says the same things as the one you can get on your phone but since you don't always have books with you, you might not read it and it will probably sit on your bookshelf for a long time and get dusty and then you will forget about it. That's what happens to good books with real pages that people buy for you and you mean to read them but you forget because when you want to read it, it's not with you, so you take out your phone and check facebook. Seriously. You know you already checked your facebook page today and you probably did it on your phone, didn't you? Because we can't go anywhere unless we know what Sally ate for breakfast or if someone liked the picture we posted last night. SERIOUSLY! BUY THE BOOK!

Are you seriously still reading this, and you have not bought the book yet?  

He still has music.

While doing some research for the post I wrote yesterday, I learned that "right side lesions [to the temporal lobe] result in decreased recognition of tonal sequences and many musical abilities."
(http://www.neuroskills.com/brain-injury/temporal-lobes.php)

This is part of Cecil's brain that did have moderate damage, but not severe. I cannot begin to tell you how much of a blessing it is that his musical abilities were not detrimentally affected by his injuries. 

He is still able to play the piano and sing, and he has composed and arranged several pieces of music in the last few months. I know that God spared this part of him for a reason. 

Last night he decided to arrange a piece combining Wagner's "Tannhauser Overture" with Gaither's "The King is Coming." Maybe I will be able to post an audio clip after he has finished it.

Some of the things that have been affected in his music are his abilities to focus as far ahead in his music as he did before. Before his accident he was able to read several measures ahead of what he was playing or singing. He was an amazing sight reader. I don't know how much of that has diminished, but he says it is gone. Also, sometimes while he is playing or singing, his brain "freezes up" like your computer sometimes might. After a second or two, he can keep going in the music, but this is extremely frustrating to him whenever it happens while he's leading worship or accompanying on the piano. He still has the ability to play and sing at the same time, but it is much harder for him to do this and he stumbles over his words at times, no matter how well he knows the piece.

He has not completely lost his love for music, but he does not find as much satisfaction or enjoyment as he did before. This could be because of the injury he sustained in his left frontal lobe. "A person's personality can undergo significant changes after an injury to the frontal lobes...Left frontal damage usually manifests as pseudodepression." http://www.neuroskills.com/brain-injury/frontal-lobes.php

It could also be a result of the injury to his hippocampus. "The hippocampus is the part of the brain that is involved in memory forming, organizing, and storing. It.... is particularly important in forming new memories and connecting emotions and senses, such as smell and sound, to memories."  http://biology.about.com/od/anatomy/p/hippocampus.htm I still have a lot to learn about the brain, but from what I have seen in Cecil and what I can gather about the hippocampus, I wonder if his ability to enjoy music has been affected by the injury to the hippocampus. 

In any event, whether he does it perfectly or not, whether or not he enjoys it to the same degree as before his TBI, Cecil still is a musician in caliber far above the average church musician. 

A good resource

I found this website tonight while I was doing some research on the brain.

/http://www.neuroskills.com/